Dear diary,
Today, it's April 1. Last year on this day someone proposed to me. It's strange how a year passes by and we lose people we had loved once (I still love him, can't stop loving him). But it has run its course. I won't ever want him back in my life. I wish him all the best and all the blessings. I hope he finds happiness.
But today life has presented me with a fork in the road. I'm torn between two lovers. There are two people in my life and I love them both.
What do I do? Which one should I choose? Why do we have to choose? Can't we love two people at the same time?
As much as we want to love two people at the same time, the society doesn't look at it in a positive light. It's been tagged as an 'affair'.
It's a really hard thing to choose. If we had our way, we would never choose. But we have to choose in order to be fulfilled in our lives by one person and one person only. It's not fair to those two. Think about what would happen or how you would feel if one of them fell in love with someone else besides you. Could you handle that?
Coming to my story, on one side I have S; who tells me he loves me and would never leave me, who brings out the best in me, encourages me to take risks in life and to move out of my comfort zone. He is a great guy. He is super talented. He sings well, paints well and aspires to be a doctor and wants to do research in oncology. He has a kind soul, an attitude of a hero and a leader.
He has given me a lot of things and I'm really thankful for that. Some of them were emotional support and some of them were material gifts of love. I feel very lucky to have found him. He showed me compassion and his 'loving side'. We talk almost everyday over text. Everything is all right. Nothing is wrong. Still, I feel as if he is not putting much effort into our relationship. I feel like I'm always at his beck and call; I'm always available. I say most of the sweet, cute and romantic things at first then he reciprocates and follows along. I guess I want to see his 'emotional and caring side' a little more. I don't feel complete somehow as if something is missing.
Now there is A. I'm in love with his emotional side, with his brain, the way he thinks and does things. I guess you can call me a sapiosexual, eh?
Now, with S, I know I have no future. He is going to get married to a girl one day and I would be left alone. I can't imagine something like that to happen to me. Through the years, my love will grow for him and if suddenly one day he is gone, I would be completely devastated. I just couldn't take it.
On the other hand, A has told me that he won't marry a girl. So, it's possible for me to try to see a future with him. But unfortunately, I haven't spend enough time with A to understand how compatible we are with each other.
I feel like A is suffering. He wants to be with me but the fact that I'm in a relationship is making him sad and hurt. And I'm hurt to see him get hurt. I can't see him get hurt. He is such a sweet guy. I'm just torn between two amazing guys. I just don't want to choose. I want them both in my life. I love them both but in two different shades.
I hope I get out of this mess soon. It's taking a toll on me. My heart aches. I need some clarity!
